There is a Difference between Kindness & People Pleasing: An Explanation from a Calgary Psychologist

My name is Alina Rokhman, and I am a Registered Psychologist in Calgary. I specialize in helping people shift away from people pleasing behaviours, in order to live more authentically.

What is kindness?

Kindness is a value. A way of expressing yourself that feels true to your core. When we express our values, we don’t expect anything in return. We simply do it because it matters to us. We are honouring our own needs.

What is people pleasing?

People pleasing is a behaviour that often comes from an unconscious fear, belief, urge or emotion. We often want something in return - perhaps recognition, validation, or love. We do this because we want to know we are worthy, enough, etc. It’s often transactional in nature.

For example, you feel the need to say yes to everything. You feel bad if you say no. You think if you say no, people will be disappointed. And if people are disappointed you believe they will ultimately pull away from your relationship. So you saying yes is driven by your fear of abandonment. There’s the intention, there’s the motivation. It makes sense in the short term, as you are likely temporarily getting rid of that fear by saying yes. But what about the long term? What about the cost to you?

If you want to know whether your behaviours are people pleasing, dig deep and ask yourself the motivation or intention behind them. This may mean examining some of your unconscious behaviours and patterns, and being curious. This may also mean getting the support of a professional to help you sort through the muddy waters. We are here to help!