Back to School Separation Anxiety - Tips from Your Therapists

My name is Lisa Smith, and I am a Child & Adolescent Mental Health Specialist in Calgary, Alberta. Here is an article about back to school separation anxiety, including some tips for parents. I hope you find this helpful!

Separation anxiety can be quite a normal experience in childhood, for many ages.

Back to school can be a tough time for the whole family. During this period of uncertainty, kids look to their parents for support. Parents are a constant and can supply the security that kids need. If your kid(s) is having a tough time with separation anxiety, we hope this article can be helpful for you!

Talk & Listen

Put some time aside to really hear your child out. Maybe you engage in an activity you know they enjoy, and this gives a natural opportunity for connection.

Acknowledge and validate their feelings. Encourage them to name their feelings, and give them the language if they don’t have it. We know there may be an urgency to jump to problem solving mode when children are upset. Try to hold back on the problem solving, at least initially. Try not to give suggestions or compare the situation. There is a difference between sympathy (I feel sorry for you) and empathy (I know this is hard for you and I’m here).

Sometimes we find parents will say things like “don’t worry” or “everything will be okay”. Although you mean well, you may not realize you may be invalidating the child’s feelings and telling them that what they are feeling isn’t a big deal. This may discourage them from sharing in the future.

Consider Emotions

Allow them to cry if they need to; releasing emotions can be cathartic. And remember that tears release stress hormones (cortisol). If you are also upset, take a few moments to regulate yourself, as children have mirror neurons that will help them co-regulate with the safe, grounded, and stable adult in their presence. If they can sense that you are upset, they may become more dysregulated. However, make sure you set time aside for yourself after or when you aren’t around your child, to release your own emotions too.

Develop a Goodbye Ritual

Create a handshake, special hug or dance. Focus on the next time you will be together again rather than your time apart. Remind them you will be thinking of them and talk about how excited you will be when you see them again.  There are many ways to stay connected when you are apart such as writing a note in their pocket to read later, having matching bracelets, spray a scent on the child that reminds them of you, make a plan for something fun to do once you are together again or send a picture of you for the child to keep with them throughout the day. 

Enjoy Each other’s Company

Plan one-on-one time with your child regularly. It doesn’t have to be for a long time or doing big or over the top activities. Playing a game, going outside, reading, and making crafts are a few ideas for ways to increase the connection hormones of oxytocin and serotonin. These hormones can increase feelings of being loved and block the stress hormones. Front load your kids with so much connection that they are capable of coping with the stress when it comes.

These are some ideas to help with the separation anxiety many children experience, especially with school.  One of the key pieces is that they are looking to you as the caregiver, so be confident and firm on the plan in a very loving and kind way. You got this!